Well I now have a little more than one week until I leave for Philadelphia and down to Trinidad. I'd love to say that I'm excited beyond belief, but that wouldn't be necessarily true. So truthfully, I'm still scared and nervous about the unknown and the potentially uncomfortable. It's scary to me to think that I've given my summer to God and to the Trinidadians and to Mitch (the pastor I'll be working under) and I still don't even know what I'll be doing from day to day. It's scary to think that I will be living with a host family that I've never met. It's scary to think that I will be completely out of my element and alone for two months (no other Americans, or Europeans or Asians, etc. for that matter, are going along with me).
I know one thing for sure. I will walk away from this experience a better person. I know that God will most likely not use this summer to change all the hearts of the Trinidadians (Trini's) that I meet, but He'll use this summer to change ME. Truly, I think that that is what short-term missions trips are all about. Learning and changing and forming into more of the person that God has planned. I'm not saying that I don't believe God will use me to change the Trini's or use me to lead some to Christ. I'm saying that beyond pure evangelism, God will USE me. He'll use me all up in order to let Himself in. I'm hoping that one of the greatest things I'll walk away with this summer is a deeper desire to know our Lord better.
While on the subject of what I am hoping for out of this summer, I will mention of few of the things I desire. I am praying that God will show me how to...frankly....be more of a people-person. I want to learn how to communicate better and how to love others better and how to get to know people better. Basically, I want to learn skills that I think I'm lacking in. Too often, I'm plainly content in being alone and entertaining myself without the company of others. Sometimes I find it almost insufferable to pretend to laugh at people's jokes or be interested in the petty stories they tell. (I don't want to sound at all condemnatory or even fake. However I think what really bothers me is when I start to change who I am to fit in around others. And maybe this calls for an entirely different entry, but the point: I enjoy being alone, I think mostly, because it's when I am most able to be me.)
One other thing I want to learn while I'm down there is complete trust. Up to this point, I've wanted to be pretty controlling of everything. I've wanted to know what I'll be doing daily, what clothes to bring, if I'll have to speak in front of the church, even if I need to bring my own shampoo. Some of things are reasonable to want to know, but I know that sometimes we Americans get a little carried away with the details. We tend to crave control. I'm not sure that's the best way to go about it. If I have to get up in front of the church to speak, I want to be able to trust God that He'll give me the words and the courage to say what He puts on my heart. I think one of the hardest parts about it for me is when I'm asked specific questions about this trip. People who know me and who are genuinely interested in what I'm doing (maybe it's someone who's given a donation for my trip) ask directions and they assume that I know the answers. I'm going out of the country with and organization as a part of a school program..... why shouldn't I know all the answers. But really, not knowing the answers isn't the hard part. It's seeing their faces and reactions when I tell them, "You know, I don't really know what I'll be doing when I'm there" that is hard for me. I kind of associate that with the American culture though; a little bit judgmental and possibly over-controlling. So it's not like I blame them, it's just that I don't really like being thought of as completely care-free and irresponsible [although I admit to being some of each of those :)].
I guess to sum up because I'm running out of time and things to say.... I'm scared, anxious to be excited, trying to trust, and wanting to learn. Please pray for me right now in those ways. Love you guys!!
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